Castle, Better Than Crack
by hallow777
Summary: Humor filled crack/random stories thought up by MorgieSan and Hallow777 that were too cracky to go anywhere else. 3: Our first visit to one of the Beckett's of an alternate universe.
1. Side Effects of Food Cravings

WARNING: THIS IS PURELY A CRACKFIC, NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY AT ALL. COMPLETELY RANDOM.

Features Alexander the Closet and Ghost!Johanna from One A Day.

Written by both MorgieSan and hallow777. Parts written by MorgieSan are in **bold** while the parts I wrote are normal. Please let me know if you liked the whole bold and not bold thing so I will know if I should do it this way or not next time. I think it would be fun for you guys to see which parts we each wrote, but I know that it might be kinda annoying to read it like this too so let me know what you think, and if you have any other suggestions.

We do NOT own Castle.

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><p><strong>Johanna Beckett crossed her arms and smiled ruefully from her spot in the doorway. She gave Castle a dirty look and then spoke, "Knocking her up was one thing, but letting her be this miserable? I am going to haunt you until you hurt!"<strong>

Castle just looked at her blankly, "Don't you already do that?"

**"Semantics," she answered, giving a shiver as Kate passed through her on her way into the office.**

**"Why is it so cold in here?" Kate crossed her arms and glared at him.**

**"I really hate it when people do that, you know," Johanna said, looking **_**exactly **_**like her daughter.**

"It's cold? Really? I didn't notice. Did you need something, dear?" He asked Kate, completely ignoring Johanna for the time being.

**"Yes, I'm hungry."**

"Well that's no surprise. And let me guess, what you want isn't in the house, is it?"

**"Hey, don't take that tone with her mister. I might not be corporeal but I can sure as hell twist your ear off!" Johanna shot off towards him and stood entirely too close to him for comfort.**

Castle couldn't help but shiver from her being so close to him, and Kate noticed. "I thought you said it wasn't cold in here? Are you lying to me now?"

**"What? No, no! I just, I was mentally kicking myself. For the tone. Yeah, that's it," he defended, jumping up and stepping away from Johanna. Willing his goosebumps into submission.**

"Yeah right, I know what it is. You don't like me anymore now that I'm as big as a blimp and I can't see my toes! DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT'S BEEN SINCE I'VE BEEN ABLE TO SEE MY TOES!" She nearly shrieked at the end, pregnancy hormones getting the best of her.

**"You're beautiful! Not as big as a blimp at all. I love you, Kate. Always, remember? I still like you too." he offered quietly, opening his arms to embrace her.**

"Not as big as a blimp? Then how big am I? As big as a house? A monster truck? I. Hate. You." She turned around and walked through the door.

**"Dammit, Kate," he muttered, trudging out of the room after her.**

**"Stop taking that tone with her!" Johanna chided.**

**"You... Just hush. You're not helping right now!" he hissed, chasing after his seriously pissed off wife.**

"Well maybe if you had actually listened to me in the first place she wouldn't be so mad at you." Johanna followed the writer, eager to see what was going to happen when he caught to her daughter.

**Kate slammed the bedroom door and eyed the bed suspiciously; she was sure she had made it this morning. With a sigh, she waddled toward the closet to retrieve a fresh set of sheets, her pregnancy addled brain completely forgetting that Alexander had moved in with her.**

As soon as she opened the closet door, she was sucked in and then thrown out of the closet in the hallway, right into Castle's arms.

**"Well, that's new," Johanna hummed, smirking at her son-in-law.**

"Lemme go, lemme go!" Kate struggled as much as she could with her large belly to get out of his hold.

**"Clearly Alex thinks we need to hug it out."**

"I don't care what the fuckles Alexander wants. Let. Me. GO."

**"Fuckles? Really, Kate? Making up words now?" Johanna rolled her eyes and spoke again, this time to Castle. "Who is Alexander?"**

"Not now," he hissed at Johanna while trying to get his wife to calm down before she hurt herself, "Kate come on, it's okay... Didn't you say you were hungry? What food did you want?" he asked, trying to distract her.

**"Let me go, and my answer won't be your liver."**

**"Vicious much?" Johanna asked, knowing she couldn't be heard.**

**"Silence in the peanut gallery, please!" Rick demanded, making eye contact with the apparition in front of him.**

"Oh so I'm the peanut gallery now? Well then, why don't I just leave and get out of your way?" Kate pinched his arm hard enough that he had to let go and then walked towards the front door.

**"No, Kate, you are not the peanut gallery. I was yelling at the voices in my head," he pleaded, rubbing his arm and following her.**

She turned around and looked at him. "Either you have gone insane, or you are lying to me. **Again.**So which is it?"

**"Nikki and Rook. It's Nikki and Rook. They're just... This is a lose-lose situation for me isn't it? Can I just claim insanity so we can get to the making up part?" Rick grasped her hands and toed at the floor with his socked foot.**

"Only if you go out and get me some purple laffy taffy. And some rocky road ice cream. Oh and some pickles too. I ate the last of those in my peanut butter sandwich last night."

**Rick swallowed the bile rising in his throat and nodded weakly at her. "I'll be back in 30 minutes. Time me if you need to." He tugged his shoes on and ran out the front door of the loft... and right back into the hallway from the closet Kate had just exited. "Not NOW Alexander!"**

He tried it again, but got the same result so he turned around and glared into the hall closet. "Look, you've been really helpful in getting us together but do you not see that she is going to kill me if you do not let me go shopping?"

**Alexander slammed the door closed on, narrowly avoiding his fingers, and then popped open again a few moments later. Rick refused to move, so Alexander edged the door open towards him slowly. Someone inside was giggling. He cracked the door open and out tumbled Alexis and a curly-headed blonde boy that Rick vaguely recalled seeing in facebook pictures. Then his throat went dry and his eyes bugged out. Alexis was barely dressed and clearly wasted, not that the boy was any better. Her shirt had ridden up, probably due to the hand that was currently run up the front of it, and her pants were entirely too tight for his liking. Cut up too. She was showing more skin in the pants than she would be in a skirt. Then Alex coughed up a pink polka-dotted bra.**

"Alexis... That better not be what I think it is." A twitch was developing in his left eye as he looked at the sight in front of him.

**"Is this Carter? That boy from your philosophy class?" Johanna asked, standing off to the side with her arms crossed over her chest looking about as pleased as her daughter did five minutes ago.**

**"Hiiiiiiiiiiii Jo-Jo," Alexis slurred, sitting up to wave, and removing her hands, thankfully, from inside Carter's waistband. "This is, Carter, yeah. Isn't he juss the cu-cu-cutest?" She was hiccuping.**

"Jo-Jo?" Kate asked confused as she looked at where Alexis was looking, seeing nothing but the wall and thinking that Alexis must be really wasted to be seeing imaginary people. Or maybe she was talking to the voices in her head, just like her father. "Sometimes I wonder how you are going to turn out." She said while rubbing her stomach, and feeling a kick in response.

**"Your mom," Alexis grinned, and pointed to Johanna. "She's right there."**

**"She can't see me sweetheart, but I'm seeing more of you than I ever wanted to. Put your boobs away, please."**

Alexis nodded and started putting herself back together while Kate just stood there shaking her head at the younger Castle, still fearing for her baby's sanity. **"Rick?"**

"Yes, dear?"

**"Go get the pickles. I'm going to take care of this." Kate reached out and snatched Alexis up at the ear.**

**"OXFORD! OXFORD! OW, OW, OW, KATE! OXFORD!"**

**"YOU, back in the closet," she said, her voice an icy calm as she pointed at Carter. "YOU, into the living room... NOW."**

**Carter quietly crawled back into the closet and sat there. Alexander wasn't in the mood to send him home.**

**"ARE YOU CRAZY?" Kate barked, poking Alexis in the shoulder with every word. "You.. You.. ARE YOU CRAZY? How drunk are you? Are you high? What's going on?"**

**Alexis narrowed her eyes and stepped towards Kate. "I. Ain't. Bovvered."**

**"Fine, Lauren, see if I care. Go sober up."**

Alexis started heading towards the closet to get Carter, but Kate grabbed her and turned her around, pushing her towards the stairs. "No, go to your room. Now. I'll deal with Carter."

**"You can't do that. I'm..." Alexis trailed off, counting off on her fingers and getting confused when she reached the end of her fingers. "Uhh..."**

**"ALEXIS! You are twenty-two, and when you are acting like you are five I can sure as hell send you to your room. ALONE."**

"But I don't wanna go alone! I want Carter! Jo-Jo, tell her to let him stay in my room with me. I'm old enough!"

**"You are on your own, kiddo. She can't see me, and she thinks you are higher than a kite right now."**

**"Well... Tell me something only you would know. Something I couldn't know. So she can know you are there, and that you said it's okay for Carter to come with me."**

**"I never said it was okay! Don't you put words in my mouth!"**

**"Your mom is LAME." Alexis stomped up the stairs, nearly missing three different steps and tumbling down backwards on the way.**

**"WATCH YOUR MOUTH OR I WILL HAUNT YOU UNTIL YOU HURT TOO!"**

**"Bite me, ghost girl!" Alexis shot back before disappearing into her room.**

Kate felt a rush of cold air as Johanna flew past her on her way up the stairs and into Alexis' room. It was completely silent for a few minutes then there was a small scream and a thump coming from the young woman's room.

**"Alexander, send him home," Kate ordered, before stalking off to the steps herself.**

Alexander grumbled but did as he was told, he knew better than to make her mad. **Well, madd**_**er.**_

**Kate hit the top step and screamed in pain. "OH GOD! NOT NOW. Please don't go into labor now," she begged her body. "I have to punish her and Rick isn't here and..." she trailed off as a body thudded against the hallway wall.**

**"WHAT THE HELL, ALEXANDER?" Rick thundered, rubbing the back of his head.**

**"She's in labor!" Johanna yelled, appearing next to him rather suddenly. "Go to her! Go now! Don't you let her come back down those stairs and squish my grand baby. I don't want squished grand babies!"**

"Right! On it!" He yelled as he practically flew up the stairs and saw his wife laying on the ground. "Kate, are you okay?"

"NO! Of course I'm not okay you moron! Hospital! Now! I NEED DRUGS!"

**"Right, drugs!" Rick worked on scooping her up off the floor. "ALEXIS! WE'RE LEAVING. STAY AWAY FROM THE CLOSETS!"**

Many, many hours- and drugs**, good drugs**- later, Kate gave birth to a healthy baby panda they named Yin Yin.

**"Hmmm," Johanna commented, turning her head to the side. "Looks like one of my ex-boyfriends."**

**"Mom, gross!" Kate wrinkled her nose at the woman and sighed**, cuddling her furry bundle of joy. **"Actually, you know, he does remind me a little of Uncle Yang."**

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><p><strong>Johanna shot upright in bed and clutched at her distended stomach.<strong>

**"What is it?" Jim mumbled, groping blindly for the light on the bedside table.**

**"Never, ever, EVER let me eat a peanut butter, spray cheese and pickle sandwich** topped with rocky road ice cream **before bed** **again."**

**Jim blanched and nodded. "You got it, babe."**


	2. Meet Gertrude

WARNING: THIS IS PURELY A CRACKFIC, NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY AT ALL. COMPLETELY RANDOM.

Features Alexander the Closet from One A Day.

Written by hallow777 and MorgieSan.

Parts written by hallow777 will be in normal font.

Parts written by MorgieSan will be in **Bold font.**

We do NOT own Castle.

(Tis all Mogie on this one)

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><p><strong>"Alexander, you really need to stop this."<strong>

**The door popped open.**

**"Thank you," she said, reaching for the handle.**

**The door would not budge.**

**"Seriously, you need to quit pouting and go home."**

**He gave her another inch of space.**

**"Look, Alex, I know you're mad, and you have every right to be, but taking it out on me will not solve your problem."**

**She got enough space to put her arm in between the door and frame, but no further. His stubbornness was getting on her nerves.**

**"Alex, I have _got_ to get to class. I'm sure she'll forgive you eventually bud. Until then just go home and be a good little closet, okay?"**

**As a sign of surrender Alexander finally let the door swing open, and Alexis tentatively reached in for her jacket and backpack. The squeaking of the hinges on the door sounded like a mix between petulance and sorrow.**

**"Alex, stop crying and just go apologize. Gertrude probably isn't even mad anymore; she's just being a girl and being fickle." Alexis idly wondered why she was consoling her closet over the fight he'd apparently had with the dishwasher.**


	3. Jack in the Bathroom

**Notes: Mogie here! There is absolutely nothing I can do or say to make up for this. I can't even offer an explanation. Only my sincere apology for any offense anyone takes. I got this weird idea and tried to push twenty pounds of stereotype into a ten pound sack, much like the outfit du jour for a certain someone in this particular story. We can just chalk this up to delirium, because that's the only reason this really happened. And maybe because Jenn and Nikki told me to. Enjoy this one Grace, get your helmet on now. Thanks to Jenn and Jodi for betaing.**

**Disclaimer: This is what happens, and you guys actually WANT me to own Castle? I didn't think so. Thank god they belong to Marlowe and ABC.**

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><p>Katie slammed the door shut and slung her purse across the room toward the couch - it managed to snag a half empty beer bottle and send it tumbling and to the ground before landing. She ignored the smashed bottle and the liquid running back towards her across the floor.<p>

"RICHARD CASTLE!"

The man in question stumbled into the room trying to fix his greasy green plaid shirt. "What do you want, woman?"

"Oh, I'm gonna 'woman' you in a minute!" she yelled before launching herself at him. He had just enough time to turn away and she landed on his back. "You stupid son of a bitch!" She gripped him tight around the neck with one arm and wrapped her legs securely around his waist.

He crashed his way up the short, narrow hallway of their double-wide trying to dislodge the crazy woman he called a common-law wife. At the first door he passed he tried scraping her off with the doorframe. No such luck, the woman was stuck like glue.

"You bastard!" she spat as she squeezed tighter.

The door across was closed so he proceeded up to the next one, the bathroom. His face was turning the same shade as their Bud Light themed bathroom, and when he caught his reflection in the mirror he fought even harder, dislodging her enough to get her partially stuck in what used to be the taped over hole in their bathroom wall.

"Watch the hair!" Castle hollered as he carefully checked his mullet over in the mirror.

Katie struggled to get her hip free of the binding prison created by the plaster and the sharpie-colored duct tape - yes, through good old American ingenuity they had decided to patch the hole with duct tape and then color it with blue sharpies. "I swear, if you messed up my hair I'll kick your balls so far back up in your body you'll be singing soprano for the next ten years."

"Hey, you attacked me you crazy bitch!"

Katie ripped herself from the hole and shoved him toward the toilet, biting back a laugh as his beer belly struggled to keep up with his movements. She quickly turned back to the mirror to check out her own hair, thankfully every last inch of her bleached-out and beaten-to-Jesus locks were in place. She adjusted the girls in the bra she'd borrowed from their oldest, his daughter really, needless to say the hot-pink and star printed contraption did nothing for her ample bosom. Content with that she stepped back to check the rest of her outfit. The denim cut-offs were a bit too tight, as evidenced by the muffin top, and a bit too short for a mother of six, pregnant pretty much five years straight; the dingy white tank top, also borrowed from the inherited child, did very little to cover her. It left an exposed strip of stretch-marked skin about six inches wide and created a perfect frame for her epic tramp stamp. She was toying with making it a full back piece, but for now she'd just settle for her homage to the Simpsons, her favorite beer, and his favorite brand of smokes.

"Now listen here, you smug S.O.B., I will do whatever I damn well please," she said quietly, turning and advancing on him.

He backed up and effectively wedged his impressive bulk in the tiny space between the shower and the makeshift linen closet - in reality it held four hand towels, three raggedy washcloths, six beach towels, a stack, at least ten deep, of Christmas and Halloween washcloths, a half empty bottle of Jack, an entire shelf of Aquanet, several hair brushes and combs, five bottles of shampoo and conditioner, an unopened jar of mayonnaise, and two mini-bar pilfered vodka bottles.

"You and your God-forsaken _**DICK**_," she growled, stepping forward and poking him in the chest, hard. "Got me pregnant. AGAIN!"


End file.
